The Hardest Things

Sometimes, life really does suck.


Sometimes, you don't get everything that you want.


Sometimes, it's going to hurt like hell.


Sometimes, though, it gets better.


Let's hope for then.

Too Many Fish In The Sea

WHY?

Why must there be so many people in this world that make me feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with them?

I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend, Sam, for almost three years now. I love him SO much, but that's not to say that I don't love others, as well. I have CHOSEN to be with Sam. However, I do love others. One, in particular, is named Andrew. 

Andrew Alan Pish (21, Fort Bragg, NC) has been in my life since before I was even in high school. He was prominent, but always lingering in the background. During my sophomore year in high school, we had a class together and there was this instant chemistry. We connected. We are so similar and so different. He was just enticing to me, then. However, after we no longer had the class together, we lost each other. I didn't talk to Andrew for 4 or 5 years and just a year ago, we started talking again. Just like in high school, our connection was strong. I was dating Sam when Andrew and I started talking again. I never knew what was to occur when I started conversing with Andrew. Over a course of months, the things that he would say to me and make me believe, made me think that Sam wasn't the one I wanted. I broke up with Sam. After a month or so, I realized that I just can't live without him.. sadly, I can't live without Andrew, either. I try to drop him and stop talking to him altogether, but I can never succeed. He is a very adamant person and I truly don't wish to cut him out of my life. I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but I do love him in that way. I can't explain the mixture of emotions I have for him. It drives me insane. You see, Sam broke up with me twice after we got back together and even though I was single, I didn't have the desire to be with Andrew. That's how I picked Sam. I knew that Andrew was the wild side that my heart craved for. He was the fresh, bad boy that I fell in love with. 

Samuel Douglas McClellan (18, Greenville,  TX) is my current boyfriend and best friend. We found each other my senior of high school. He was just a sophomore then. This relationship was purely surprise. I didn't once look at Sam and think, "Ooh. I really want to be his girlfriend." He was the one that was there, though, when I was going through a lot of emotional stress. My step-sister had just been killed and I found myself a way out of a bad relationship. I needed to get out the day after my break up and Sam and I had agreed on going to a movie. He was very shy. Nothing like me. He said nothing the entire movie, yet invited me over to dinner the next day, via text. So began our Sundays together, until he got his license. He never asked me out and we didn't discuss it. We just melted together into this wonderful little world. There are still so many differences, between us. There are often times that he makes me feel inadequate. I am a very bubbly, loud, speak-my-mind type of person; he's not. I'm liberal; his family is conservative. I crave and live off of human contact and affection, and he will barely touch in public or in front of his family. I deal with this everyday and I feel rejected almost every time. I know that he doesn't mean to make me feel that way, he just simply isn't the same as me and we have different views on PDA. His family has money and my mother and I are poor. Sometimes, his ungratefulness really gets at me. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. There are times when he tells me what to do or not to do, in such a tone, to make me feel as if I have done something wrong when I haven't. I feel like the rest of our life, I will have to play the role of the obedient wife that is BELOW her husband, not equal to. He says it's the other way around, and maybe it is.. but from my point of view, he makes it really hard for me to be happy sometimes. I love him to no end. I will never stop loving him. I choose to be with him, although, I'm not sure why. I guess it simply is the fact that I can't function without him in my life. Sam is the kind, caring, and safe good boy that I fell in love with.

Here's a new one, that has recently entered my life..

James Cole Carden (20, Bonham, TX) is one of my co-workers and newly found friend. I always used to joke around saying that if I had a "Samdrew", I would be set in this world. I would have the sweet and sensual, yet brash and seductive man that every woman longs for. I would have the best of both worlds. Well, I think I have found him. James, also, kind of took me by surprise. I started working out with him and another co-worker of mine a week or so ago. We had an interesting connection. He is so much like me, in respect to his personality. We are both very open and live off of our encounters with other human beings. I have spent three days with him, thus far, just us two. We watched three movies one day, went swimming another, and watched some more movies the other time. We talk almost the entire time that we're together. I know so much about him and I have only known him for two months. However, I have only really begun to know him this passed week. He's told me some pretty intimate details of his life and that just makes me like him all the more. He is sensitive and open. He is funny and devilishly handsome. He is broken and strong. He is Sam and he is Andrew. I have only begun to get to know him and I'm afraid that I should stop our friendship. I know that he will turn into another one that I love and can't have. James is the perfect one.. that I pray I don't fall in love with.

Sam, Andrew, and James.. 

I love, I love, I'm scared of.. 

Why must there be so many options for me? I hate making decisions. I am easily swayed and finicky. I just want to want one of them.. but I want them all. It's a horrible burden to feel so much love for so many.. and knowing that I can only truly give all of myself to one person in this world. Can someone make these decisions for me? Can anyone cut Andrew off from me? Will someone tell Sam how he makes me feel on a daily basis? Can someone, anyone, tell James to keep me from falling for him? SOMEONE STOP ME. Someone always gets hurt when they're in my heart. I've hurt Sam, Andrew, and myself.. I don't want to bring James into this emotional torture chamber. 

I must stop..

...But I don't want to.

Why I Keep Going When The Going Gets Soul-Crushingly Tough

If you look at my life, like many others, it has been utterly disappointing.

It all started on my thirteenth birthday, when my father decided he longer wanted to be part of our family. Ever since the day he left, it seems like life and I haven't been on too great of terms. I feel like I have been in a constant battle to stay motivated and happy for the past seven years. Little things keep popping up in my life just to bring me down and the big things that occur-- well, we'll get to those later. First, let's start with me getting through high school.

Continuing through the rest of my middle school years and high school years, without my father completely in my life, was a difficult journey. My mom was left without a good paying job and without any knowledge of how to do much of anything. My father did all of our finances and everything, so when he left, it was a bit too much for my mom to handle. I can't remember how long it was after my father left, but we ended up losing our home. We were forced to move into my grandmother's house (on my mom's side, of course). Now, I didn't really have a relationship with my grandmother, nor my uncle, who also happened to be living there. There were 5 of us living in a home with only ONE livable room. I felt like a stranger in my own home. I didn't want to be around my grandmother and my uncle, quite frankly, scared me. At this time, he was on drugs and bringing over people that I shouldn't have been subject to. Although, these shouldn't have been the living conditions my brother and I were in, what could my mother do? She did her absolute best with what we were given and I will always admire her for that. We had to live trapped in a home we didn't want to be in and live child support check to child support check. We did without a lot. One summer, we even went without A/C, in TEXAS. That summer, my mom cried herself to sleep every night because of what my brother and I were going through. However, no matter what I had to go through, I would have never left my mom willingly. I would and will stay by her until the day I die. She is what helped me get through a lot of crap that came my way.

After a few years of living there, my mom finally got us a home of our own! (With the help of my father's parents.) My mom had a new job that still wasn't paying her much, but we made do. I was an extracurricular kid and had to be up at the high school by 5:00 am and didn't leave until about 9:00 pm (during marching season in band). My single mother got me to school every day on time and I never had to wait for a ride. I was never hungry, I never had the need for clothes, and I never had to sit home while my friends went out to the movies or the bowling alley. Of course, I couldn't do stuff every weekend, but every once in a while was alright. You see, I think a lot of how I think came from what I saw in my mother. She didn't have the money to give me for things, but she did it anyway. I know my mom was sad a lot of the time and angry, but she never showed it. She knew that she had no other option, but to stay strong for her children.

Then, all by myself, I got accepted into two colleges and gained a scholarship to be in either the AROTC with the University of Texas in Arlington or the NROTC at Prairie View A&M University. I happened to choose the NROTC program-- prettier uniforms. ;) Anyway, my mom really isn't book smart, so I had to do a lot on my own. I studied for my SAT and made the scores I need to make. I applied to colleges all by myself and got in ALL BY MYSELF. I've kind of had to do a little growing up earlier than most kids. I've always been proud in the fact that I made it to college. I am a first generation college student, after all. My brother didn't go to any school after high school. He now works at Walmart and lives with his girlfriend and her family. I'm not trying to talk down on my brother and say that I am any better than him, but that life was not for me. I always want to be the best that I can be. Therefore, I embarked on my journey to becoming a Naval Nurse with the help of PVAMU.

My first year in college was pretty bland. I went to class when I needed to and I performed my Naval duties when I needed to. I didn't really go out with friends or hang out with my roommates. I was lonely without being alone. From the beginning, I have been struggling here. My housing was messed up when I first got here and had to live off campus without a vehicle with someone I hardly knew, for three weeks until I got housing with upperclassmen. The way that the university has the housing set up for the freshman is to create friends for yourself. Since I didn't live with the rest of the freshman, my social circle was very small. I hate to be alone. I absolutely ABHOR it. I called my mom everyday, most days I was crying, because I wanted to come home. I don't like being so far away and I felt trapped. I just tried to stay focused on what I was here for and I counted down dates a lot. It helped me get through the hard, lonely, times to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The main problem with my first year, was simply the loneliness that came with it.

My second year, this year, has been the hardest year I've had in a long while. However, it has also been the best year I have had. It's been full of ups and downs. There has been a little more downs than ups, but I got through it alright. I actually made friends this year and got out and did more. I became extremely close with my roommate Maranda, who isn't in the NROTC, and my other two roommates who are in the unit with me. I had something to come home to. I even made friends with Maranda's friends. Everything seemed to be going alright. That is, until my boyfriend of two years and I broke up.

I felt like I needed to give us space and time to grow, little did I know, it wasn't what I wanted at all. I'm not going to go into detail about everything in our relationship, but we ended up breaking up for a month, getting back together for a month, breaking up again for a month and a half, getting back together for three months, and then breaking up again. He did the two last break ups and the latest one, he said he just couldn't do it anymore. The first time he broke up with me, I inflicted the majority of the pain I felt. I kept asking him why and all those other questions us girls ask. I kept begging and I kept getting rejected. The rejection nearly killed me. My mother had to go through it with me when I called her and cried on the phone for four hours straight. The day after he broke up with me, I literally cried from 11 a.m. until about 11 p.m. when I passed out from pure exhaustion. I'm not talking simple tears here, either. I was crying so hard that I felt like throwing up. I could hardly breathe. I found myself in a dark place. I was severely depressed and often had thoughts of suicide. I stayed in my room, in the dark, not moving. I lost the desire to do just about anything. I was made to leave my door unlocked, because my roommate felt the need to check in on me to make sure I was still alive in there. We made that a joke, but it was truly sad. I didn't eat very much and lost about 15 pounds in two weeks. I destroyed myself, not him. I made him SO important that when he was gone, I felt like I had nothing. This wasn't the case, though. My roommate is a very strong woman and she watched me struggle through everything. Once she knew I was stable enough to listen to what she had to say, she let me know what I needed to know. Ever since my boyfriend broke up with me in December, she has been building me up. She's been teaching me how to love myself and to realize that I don't need anybody else in my life, but myself and God. When my boyfriend and I got back together in January, she was happy, but also worried that I would go back into how I was and making my life all about him. She stayed on me about how I would act and I became different. I've become more independent and when he would upset me, I wouldn't sit there trying to figure out what I did wrong anymore. I was able to see that everything isn't always my fault and I would let him know when I thought that he was wrong. He broke up with me March 30th and I only asked him to reconsider ONCE. He said no, and I told him to have a marvelous life. I simply.. let go. Ever since then, I have been struggling for the attention of guys, but Maranda has been helping me with that. She's helped me realize that I don't need to chase guys for what I need. I am entirely grateful for her and what she has given to me. She's made me not only a better person, but a better woman. I will never again feel like I don't deserve the best that I can have in a relationship.

Well, I ended up focusing on that more than I wanted to, but let's delve into my academic struggles. I failed to meet the requirements for PV's College of Nursing. What does this mean? It means that I will probably lose my scholarship and have to go home, get a job, and start paying the government back the $25,000 dollars I now owe them. Unless, I can figure something out. I have a selection of choices that I can do to try and stay here, but I am still unsure about what I am going to do. This semester, I have been struggling since February to try and salvage my Nursing career and it may be at it's end. I simply do not know.

Even though I am being faced with all of this stress and life changing situations, I will not allow myself to give up. I just can't find it anywhere in my being to do so. I think, after writing this, that it is majorly due to my mom. She stayed strong and persevered, even when she didn't want to sometimes. What kind of daughter would I be, if I didn't learn from that? If I didn't see her struggle and chose to ignore it? or even if I did see it and still felt like I had the right to complain and give up? I may say that I give up a lot, and I might actually do it for a day or two, but my heart will never settle right for giving up. I will never feel content with settling. My mother always tells me that I am her inspiration and that I was the reason she kept going the way she did. Who would I be to take her inspiration away? I know that people are watching me and some are hoping I will fail, but I also know that there are a choice few out there who are proud of me and want to see my succeed. For them, I keep going, but mainly I keep going for myself. For my future family and for their families, I need to be all that I can be. I need to succeed WITHOUT a man, because you never know if they're going to be there for the long run. I keep going so that I can establish myself as a professional and as a woman. I keep going for those women out there who think that they can't. I keep going for my mom, who never stopped going for me. I keep going, because I don't allow myself to have any other option.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest, For your goal is almost nigh; Don't quit, for you're not a failure Until you fail to try.