WHY?
Why must there be so many people in this world that make me feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with them?
I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend, Sam, for almost three years now. I love him SO much, but that's not to say that I don't love others, as well. I have CHOSEN to be with Sam. However, I do love others. One, in particular, is named Andrew.
Andrew Alan Pish (21, Fort Bragg, NC) has been in my life since before I was even in high school. He was prominent, but always lingering in the background. During my sophomore year in high school, we had a class together and there was this instant chemistry. We connected. We are so similar and so different. He was just enticing to me, then. However, after we no longer had the class together, we lost each other. I didn't talk to Andrew for 4 or 5 years and just a year ago, we started talking again. Just like in high school, our connection was strong. I was dating Sam when Andrew and I started talking again. I never knew what was to occur when I started conversing with Andrew. Over a course of months, the things that he would say to me and make me believe, made me think that Sam wasn't the one I wanted. I broke up with Sam. After a month or so, I realized that I just can't live without him.. sadly, I can't live without Andrew, either. I try to drop him and stop talking to him altogether, but I can never succeed. He is a very adamant person and I truly don't wish to cut him out of my life. I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but I do love him in that way. I can't explain the mixture of emotions I have for him. It drives me insane. You see, Sam broke up with me twice after we got back together and even though I was single, I didn't have the desire to be with Andrew. That's how I picked Sam. I knew that Andrew was the wild side that my heart craved for. He was the fresh, bad boy that I fell in love with.
Samuel Douglas McClellan (18, Greenville, TX) is my current boyfriend and best friend. We found each other my senior of high school. He was just a sophomore then. This relationship was purely surprise. I didn't once look at Sam and think, "Ooh. I really want to be his girlfriend." He was the one that was there, though, when I was going through a lot of emotional stress. My step-sister had just been killed and I found myself a way out of a bad relationship. I needed to get out the day after my break up and Sam and I had agreed on going to a movie. He was very shy. Nothing like me. He said nothing the entire movie, yet invited me over to dinner the next day, via text. So began our Sundays together, until he got his license. He never asked me out and we didn't discuss it. We just melted together into this wonderful little world. There are still so many differences, between us. There are often times that he makes me feel inadequate. I am a very bubbly, loud, speak-my-mind type of person; he's not. I'm liberal; his family is conservative. I crave and live off of human contact and affection, and he will barely touch in public or in front of his family. I deal with this everyday and I feel rejected almost every time. I know that he doesn't mean to make me feel that way, he just simply isn't the same as me and we have different views on PDA. His family has money and my mother and I are poor. Sometimes, his ungratefulness really gets at me. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. There are times when he tells me what to do or not to do, in such a tone, to make me feel as if I have done something wrong when I haven't. I feel like the rest of our life, I will have to play the role of the obedient wife that is BELOW her husband, not equal to. He says it's the other way around, and maybe it is.. but from my point of view, he makes it really hard for me to be happy sometimes. I love him to no end. I will never stop loving him. I choose to be with him, although, I'm not sure why. I guess it simply is the fact that I can't function without him in my life. Sam is the kind, caring, and safe good boy that I fell in love with.
Here's a new one, that has recently entered my life..
James Cole Carden (20, Bonham, TX) is one of my co-workers and newly found friend. I always used to joke around saying that if I had a "Samdrew", I would be set in this world. I would have the sweet and sensual, yet brash and seductive man that every woman longs for. I would have the best of both worlds. Well, I think I have found him. James, also, kind of took me by surprise. I started working out with him and another co-worker of mine a week or so ago. We had an interesting connection. He is so much like me, in respect to his personality. We are both very open and live off of our encounters with other human beings. I have spent three days with him, thus far, just us two. We watched three movies one day, went swimming another, and watched some more movies the other time. We talk almost the entire time that we're together. I know so much about him and I have only known him for two months. However, I have only really begun to know him this passed week. He's told me some pretty intimate details of his life and that just makes me like him all the more. He is sensitive and open. He is funny and devilishly handsome. He is broken and strong. He is Sam and he is Andrew. I have only begun to get to know him and I'm afraid that I should stop our friendship. I know that he will turn into another one that I love and can't have. James is the perfect one.. that I pray I don't fall in love with.
Sam, Andrew, and James..
I love, I love, I'm scared of..
Why must there be so many options for me? I hate making decisions. I am easily swayed and finicky. I just want to want one of them.. but I want them all. It's a horrible burden to feel so much love for so many.. and knowing that I can only truly give all of myself to one person in this world. Can someone make these decisions for me? Can anyone cut Andrew off from me? Will someone tell Sam how he makes me feel on a daily basis? Can someone, anyone, tell James to keep me from falling for him? SOMEONE STOP ME. Someone always gets hurt when they're in my heart. I've hurt Sam, Andrew, and myself.. I don't want to bring James into this emotional torture chamber.
I must stop..
...But I don't want to.
